Most times, I woke up wondering what it was that I should do that day. Woke up ready to conquer, head in to the harsh sunlight and struggle to make my own little place in the world but sometimes it was just the opposite|
Some days, I just don’t want to be awake and sometimes, it’s all just too much. Some days, I’d wonder if I’d make it to the next.
Those days. Those days are and forever will be the hardest. It really doesn’t matter if I get over them and look back twenty years from now. To me, what will always matter is the pain I felt in that moment. How tired I was of everything and everyone around me.
So many tears shed, I wondered if they would ever end. Truth is, they did. The physical tears stopped flowing so to the rest of the World, I was healing but was I really? Did I really heal?
The answer I tried so desperately to hide from myself was no. No, I wasn’t okay. The tears stopped but my heart was still crying and bleeding. The tears stopped but I cried silently. Wishing, hoping for some kind of relief. Just something.
But the next day, I got up again. Felt compelled to act like I was doing just fine because I didn’t need anyone else’s worry for me laid on my heart.
Till it was too heavy and the thread my sanity hung by cut so suddenly at the sound of the question “Are you okay?”
Usually, the definite answer is yes but it got too much. How was I supposed to lie that I was just dandy when I was broken down in tears on front of someone. The scars.
The scars I thought were gone. I thought I had overcome. I thought I had healed. They opened again with a fresh, new sort of pain. One that hit twenty times harder. One I couldn’t suck up and smile the next day.
Having experienced this kind of pain, I can with certainty say that my heart goes out to anyone who has ever stayed up till late, covering your mouth crying so no one would hear you.
To anyone who has ever walked under the rain crying just because you didn’t want to be the only one crying. To everyone who has ever been in so much pain that they felt their heart physically breaking.
Anyone who has ever felt like they needed to be so strong, they forgot that as much as they would like to help others and solve their problems, they deserve love too. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry because I know how it feels and no one deserves to go through that kind of pain. No one deserves to feel like everything that goes awry is their fault.
No one deserves to feel like they should never have been born because then, maybe things would have been better and less mistakes would have been made. No one deserves to feel like the world would have been better without them. No one.
When the pain gets too much, just tell yourself this. “If I give up now, that means I’ve lost (and I hate losing) …but if I win this today…just today, then I can survive anything. I’ve won and I’ll be fine. Just one more day. If I can survive just this day.” And I promise, have hope, have courage, just keep going, no matter how slowly. You’ll live.
Please don’t give up. Just please survive. Just one more day.